6.30.2011

Katy Perry knows what's gay, and its not her, its you.

Ur So Gay” - Katy Perry
In honor of gay marriage being legalized in NY, let’s discuss (for the nth time) how the word “gay” is used, specifically in this song.
There seems to be many different ways our society chooses to use this word. Frat boys think it means “unmanly,” teenagers think it means “stupid,” old people still think it means “happy,” but Katy Perry actually thinks it means: “straight men who she used to date who were too self-absorbed with themselves to pay attention to her.”


Saying it with a smile doesn't make it okay. 


“I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway”


First off girlfriend, H&M does not make scarves with a thread count higher than 200. So if this guy wants to hang himself, he should go to Bloodbath and Beyond and get some quality curtains that will get the job done.
Also, what music a person chooses to pleasure themselves to does not speak of their sexual orientation in any way. I believe Mozart would be flattered.
Point C, everyone bitches about Hell-A. Bitching does not make you gay; it just makes you a hater.
 Lastly, if you’re implying that Hemingway might have been  gay, you may be right. But reading Hemingway in the rain? Emo, not gay.



Funny AND inoffensive. It's possible.
“You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive”
So trying to live a healthier and more environmentally-friendly lifestyle means one is also living a homosexual lifestyle? This makes at least half the population gay! And by gay, I mean awesome.
That last statement could be considered racist Ms. Perry. Pale people have feelings too. Watch yourself.




See, just because he looked like a member of Hanson does not mean he was gay.


“You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys”
......then why are you calling him gay?!  

“You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you”

Clever, telling him to buy a happy meal. When really, you want him to eat away his feelings so that he gets fat, making you look even more skinny. That’s so female. (If you’re going to pick on his sexuality, I’ll pick on your gender.)
I think Katy Perry is secretly amused that she is getting away with talking shit about this guy behind his back. Idea: maybe you’d understand him better if you actually talk to him instead of about him. 



For all you emotional eaters, you CAN have your cake, eat it, and not have guilty and suicidal feelings later!



“I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love 
with someone that wears more makeup than…”
David Bowie married a supermodel. Remember how much makeup he would wear? 


He puts the glam in glamboyant.
“You walk around like you’re ‘oh so debonair’
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me”
A lack of male genitalia would make someone female. Unless they didn’t have that either, then they would neutrois

“You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like… PENIS”
OH. See, when she says “gay,” she really means a guy who doesn’t like HER. Because she has a penis. So if he doesn’t like penis, he doesn’t like her. Obviously. It all makes sense now!



This might be very confusing to some lesbians.

6.02.2011

This One Goes Out To...

“Beth” - Kiss

I’d like to dedicate this post to my patient professor, Eats, Shoots and Lays. Even though she made fun of my lemon bars. There will be no runts in the next litter.


xxxx




“Beth, I know you’re lonely

And I hope you’ll be alright

‘Cause me and the boys will be playin’

All night”


Translation:
Rev, I know you get lonely standing up in front of the class by yourself. Ferdinand E. Marcos said:
 “Leadership is the other side of the coin of loneliness, and he who is a leader must always act alone. And acting alone, accept everything alone.” 

But I know you’ll be alright because you know how to communicate with multiple forms of new media, so you don’t have to feel alone. 





So yeah, just know that I acknowledge your lonely leader state, and its blessing and a curse but just so just know, I’ll be goofing around at home playing guitar hero....




ALL NIGHT. I promise not to air guitar in class though.



Excellent!


The Title Tells All

The Lonely Island’s first album had probably one of the best titles of all time:


Its the perfect combination of words to describe the album. Its incredible, its bad. Its Incredibad.

DJ Discussions: DJ Toblerone

Welcome to the studio DJ Toblerone, who gives us his take on this wonderful song about a young man trying to court a woman he's fallen for.

“Lights Turned On” - Childish Gambino

For the uninitiated, Childish Gambino is comedy writer/actor Donald Glover’s exciting foray into the rap game. What started off as a kind of novel series of mixtapes---in which Childish Gambino spat crazy clever rhymes and funny non-sequiturs over samples of such indie darlings as Grizzly Bear and Sleigh Bells---has formed into a more cathartic listening experience that one can liken to Kanye West’s trademark blend of over-the-top braggadocio and self-flagellation. 
Furthermore, for someone with such an incomprehensible work ethic as Glover possesses there must be a pearl of wisdom somewhere in his lyrics that we can ultimately sell off for cheap so that our families may eat once more. 


A nice, upstanding gentleman.


Let’s take a look at how he approaches the courting of a lady-fellow in a song from his Childish Gambino EP called “Lights Turned On”.
“Small chick with a fat ass
Did I say that out loud? Lemme backtrack”
Well. Here, we see that just as the planter imitates the plant and the hunter imitates the prey, so too does the ass-man imitate the ass. 
His unorthodox manner of flirting may seem a bit rocky, but don’t count him out quite yet. Let’s see what else C.B. has up his sleeve. Oh, also, here’s a video of Glover as a homeless realtor
So that’s how you make lady friends. Point out the obvious physical accoutrements they have, proceed to win them over. Interesting strategy...but does it work.
Continued:
“I know my game ain’t that bad
Have you ever made out with a Gap ad?”
Well, that just seems like an odd question…why, why would anyone ask…oh, never mind. I suppose I should just scrap this “lower-all-gap-billboards-so-that-I-may-smooch-them-every-once-in-while” piece of legislation. Let us sally forth!
“You love me? You mean cash
Need a friend you can fuck, I can be that”
It’s no diamond ring, but “need a friend you can fuck” is the name of about five different Ashton Kutcher movies coming out this summer alone. So, this is kind of like Gambino’s cutesy entreaty to go watch a movin’ picture. Followed by emotionless fucking, sure.
Everyone knows that “want to watch a movie” really means “lets pretend to watch a movie, but actually have a sexy party.”

In the living room of course.


Perhaps this format is not the best way in which to learn from Childish Gambino. Instead let us turn to James Lipton’s Proust Questionnaire in order to glean some wisdom from this particular song.
  1. What is your favorite word?
“Swag
2:30  and we still making progress
Talkin’ on Twitter to see where to go next
3:30, man, where did the time go?”
Excellent answer! 
Twitter is where I go to pick up chicks all the time. Retweet a ho, and she’ll be all up in your newsfeed. Swag.

Also, thank you for the additional words. Now,
  1. What is your least favorite word?
“She like, ‘I’m not a slut,’ speed bump
By the way, what’s your name? ‘Cause we drunk!!!”
INTERESTING! FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS TEST, YOU MAY CALL ME LIPTON! ALSO:
3. What turns you on spiritually?
“Chillin’ with this Asian chick I met in Chicago
She look like the Social Network chick
Except her ass is twice as thick, man
Just wanna bite that shit”
Lovely! 
Oh, what a charmer. He obviously gets all the ladies. The biting might signal a need for attention, in a negative way though...shouldn’t reinforce such behavior.
Well,
4. What turns you off?
“Uh, I talk a lot about the girls in my songs
But you are different from the girls in my songs
So stop talkin’ about the girls in my song!
If you don’t like it, I can just take you home…”
I beg your pardon! Perhaps I was too forward! All right, and,
5. What is your favorite curse word?
“Fuck ya life”
Naughty!!! 
Or short and sweet.
Okay,
  1. What sound or noise do you love?
“For me, by me, fuck FUBU”
Mhm. Mhm.
  1. What sound or noise do you hate?
“Where the fuck did my license went?
I musta left it at the other place”
The bad grammar must be because he’s so drunk. Hopefully.
Unfortunate!!!
  1. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
“My work is my playtime
I need you to understand this and stay fine
Do this and I just might wife you”
Intriguing!
Wife is now a verb. Apparently. And all you have to do to be his wife, is make sure you stay attractive. Easy enough!
9. What profession would you not like to do?
“Things change like a motherfuck”
Right, too difficult to think about. Understood.
*er.
  1. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“I got to get high
I need to get high
Uh, I NEEDS to get high
Uh, I GOTS to get high”


Don’t we all.

A Couplet of Things to Consider



We all know what this songs really about. 

“She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean

She was the best damn woman I had ever seen

She had the sightless eye, selling me no lies

Knockin' me out with those American thighs”



Translation:
Women are compared to machines by men because machines are what men understand. Cars can’t catch STI’s though; luckily, the woman he’s talking about practices safe sex and is STI free. 



Practice safe sex kids.

It’s safe to assume that he’s seen a lot of women. He is a rockstar. I’d assume the caliber of the groupies he’s hanging out with isn’t as nice as this woman.


This is what groupies are like when they grow up.



.......is he talking about a vagina? Or maybe optical cranial penetration? I leave this one up to the reader and I blame drugs.




Maybe he meant the eye of a hurricane?



American women are known for their thighs. Just something about us. 


We put those thighs to good use.

Dj Discussions: DJ Homepage

Please welcome to the studio DJ Homepage, who will be spinning us a translation of Cee Lo Green’s “F*ck You Song.” No worries, its censored. We’re talking about love, not lust.

Forget You” - Cee Lo Green
So it seems as if Cee Lo Green has found himself embroiled in one of the classic love triangles: boy loves girl, who loves money so much more. 

It's a sign of wealth when you can wear that many feathers.


A soap opera-worthy love triangle that begins with drama...
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, ooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough 
I'm like,
forget you!
And forget her, too!
I said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (Ain't that some shit?)
And ‘though there's pain in my chest,
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, ooo”

He seems to be handling the situation well enough, balancing the pain and angst with a touch of anger. Righteous anger and indignation is a handy tool. 
There’s a hint of karmatic belief as well. “I’ll wish you the best, while politely telling you to go ‘forget’ yourself.”
It came in real handy the time a guy told me that the best advice his dad ever gave him was: 
“Son, it’s just as easy to fall in love with a poor girl as a rich girl, so make sure you check her bank account before you get too serious.”
How very deep.
Forealz. 


Yeah I said I was sorry, I can't afford a Ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an Xbox and I'm more Atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.
I pity the fool that falls in love with you
(She's a gold digger, just goes to show you)
Ooooooh,
I've got some news for you.
Yeah, go run and tell your little boyfriend”
Cee Lo clearly is a classic – timeless, not out-dated.
Agreed, classy gentlemen always compare themselves to retro video game consoles. Just because they aren’t sold in store any more doesn’t mean they’re not cool. It just makes them more valuable. 

  Old school is the best school.
Now I know, that I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ass ain't cheap”

I pity the fool that falls in love with you
(She's a gold digger, just goes to show you)
Ooooooh,
I've got some news for you.
I really hate yo’ ass right now.
If needy and desperate were attractive, we’d all have someone.
What is it they say about engagment rings again? The bigger the rock, the sooner the divorce?




Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna, wanna hurt me so bad?
(So bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me,
"This is one for your dad."
(Your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you Oh!
I still love you. Oooh!”

Let’s hope his dad gives better advice than my ex-boyfriend’s.
We all know love hurts. But Cee Lo learned how much the love for money hurts the other party. At least he has passed on his wisdom about it.
Cee Lo should have listened to this song before he got involved with the gold digger that broke his heart so bad he had to write a song about it: