The Title Tells All

Lady Gaga’s albums have shown monstrous growth for the artist. 

Iced out sunglasses = famous.

The Fame (2008)

The album was a prediction of what was to come for Gaga. So much fame, her disguise would only last so long... 

She's hiding something...

The Old Gaga, before she transformed.

The Fame Monster (2009)

The peak of the monstrous music career that she had made herself, she began to go by her real name: Mother Monster. 

Transformation complete.

Born This Way (2011)

After revealing she was demon spawn a musical artist that isn’t afraid to create her music in her image.

DJ Discussions: DJ Val-ium

I would like everyone to welcome to the studio, DJ Val-ium, who will be steering us in the right direction towards where she believes the danger zone is located (hint: in your pants).

"Highway to the Danger Zone" - Kenny Loggins

Microphone: check.  Guyliner: check.

This is Val Kilmer.  He is an actor and the subject of The Kilmer Cure, provenance of today’s guest DJ Val-ium.  

Also pictured: Tom Skerritt’s mustache.

Gotta love a good ‘stache. 

This is Iceman.  He is a fighter pilot and subject of the 1986 film Top Gun.  Top Gun had three stars: Mr. Kilmer, Tom Cruise, and Kenny Loggins’ classic love anthem, "Highway to the Danger Zone."

Nothin’ like an ’80s song to rev you up. 

"Revvin' up your engine

Listen to her howlin' roar"

There is a grand tradition in rock and roll of comparing women to cars—see Buddy Holly’s "Not Fade Away," AC/DC’s "You Shook Me All Night Long," Joss Stone’s "Don't Cha Wanna Ride?," etc.—but this is the only song I know comparing a woman to an airplane, which has thus far saved us from jokes about taxiing to the runway. 

Machines do seem to be the perfect metaphor for women. Rihanna likes to compare herself to a car all the time in her songs. She likes to shift into what we call “whore-wheel drive.”

"Metal under tension

Beggin' you to touch and go"

Touch and go—clearly this is an in and out operation, what frat guys call a “quickie” and Iceman might call “infiltration and extraction.” 

Iceman was a better mechanic than Maverick eh?

The man knows how to get a lady's engine revving.  That's all I'll say.

"Highway to the Danger Zone

Ride into the Danger Zone"

Uh-oh.  The Danger Zone sounds like the kind of place I want to avoid during romantic encounters . . . is there an off-ramp somewhere soon?

So when they say highway, they really mean....landing strip?

"Headin' into twilight

Spreadin' out her wings tonight"

I warned you about the plane thing.  I never feel sexier than when a guy compares me to a five thousand pound hunk of metal. 

Do you think they chose this song just because they used the word wings and there are pilots in the movie?

I don’t know whether this is a blessing or a curse, but “Danger Zone” was actually written for the film.  On the one hand, it’s good that no one spontaneously equated women with aircraft; on the other, we now have Top Gun to blame for more than one of cinema’s most LOL-arious sex scenes. 

"She got you jumpin' off the track

And shovin' into overdrive

Highway to the Danger Zone

I'll take you

Right into the Danger Zone"

Again—and I cannot stress this enough—I would like to avoid the Danger Zone in my pants.

Which is faster: taking the highway to the danger zone or the interstate?  

"Out along the edges

Always where I burn to be

The further on the edge

The hotter the intensity"

Wait.  Burning?  Now there’s burning?  No wonder he’s “begging to touch and go;” he gave me a frickin’ STD!  Now I know why they call it the Danger Zone . . . 

Hotter and intense just aren’t enough description for me. For redundancy’s sake, give me some more adjectives!

Like "tingling" and "syphillis-y?"

Yes.

I knew I didn’t want to be on this stupid Route 66 to the Danger Zone.

Giggity.

Songwriter (Sem)antics

Ever noticed this?

36-24-36 are a common combo of numbers in songs. What do they stand for? Hip, waist, and bust measurements that men of any musical genre can agree is attractive. 

“Brick House” - The Commodores 

Men with afros wearing white space suits can shaka-shaka-shaka-down down whenever they want.

“How can she lose with what she use

36-24-26, what a winning hand!”

This means that biologically speaking, women are better equipped to play poker.

“Baby Got Back” - Sir Mix-a-Lot

"You think that's a peach don't you?"

“Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'

to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"”

Did you catch that?! He just admitted to reading Cosmo! No man admits to that. Real men read Rolling Stone.

“36-24-36” - Violent Femmes

A band actually made up of dudes, in case you were wondering.

“36-24-36

I want lots of pretty chicks”

Short and sweet: we like girls. We especially like girls with these measurements. We especially especially like pretty girls.

But remember: whether you're apple, banana, pear, or any other fruit's shape you wish to self-identify with, you are not a bunch of numbers. You also have a personality. Unless you have a  crap personality. Then yeah, you might want to attain some kind of fruit shape to attract a apemate.

A Couplet of Things To Consider

“Heaven is a Place on Earth” - Belinda Carlisle

Written by Ellen Shipley and Rick Nowels

Heaven is a marble staircase with a globe sitting on the top step.

This song must be an inside joke because it makes no sense otherwise.

“Oh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?

Oh, heaven is a place on Earth

They say in heaven, love comes first

We’ll make heaven a place on Earth”

Translation:

What is she talking about? You can’t just begin a song with a question that assumes the listener knows the subject. And how does she know we work on the same value scale she does? We could be converting to euros when she’s using yen.

Money is internationally known to be the root of all evil.

If Google maps can’t find a place, then it doesn’t exist on Earth. If this is a metaphor, you need a little comparison to happen.

Wait, just kidding. 

Who says that? Why does it come first and not respect? Where is she getting these facts? Objection, the witness is being vague and ambiguous.

Case closed.

So heaven can be made with two people. Ok, but how? Is she trying to make a sexual innuendo? She forgot the part where you’re supposed to be coy.

 If you wanna make heaven, just look at this recipe for banana cupcakes, courtesy of Chef Hannah Hayes.

A Couplet of Things To Consider

“Kiss” by Prince

(Prince doesn’t like his music to be available on YouTube, so the live performance will have to do.)

The artist formerly known as being sexy in velvet purple. Oh, the 80s.

Remember Pretty Woman? This song inspired the movie. True story. (Note: it’s not a true story. This is just a theory.) 

But Prince, with hips that would make Elvis jelly, laid down a little wisdom in this 80s hit about the value of having chemistry with a person.

“You don’t have to be rich, to be my girl

You don’t have to be cool, to rule my world

Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with

I just want your extra time and your.....kiss”

Translation:

You don’t need to have monetary value to be someone’s companion. Guy’s don’t like Princess Paris Hilton; they like that she puts out.

Can I buy you a drink too, or do you just want the money?

“Cool” is one of those subjective words. You can be “too cool for school,” or “cool as ice,” or even “a cool cucumber.” What matters is how hot your significant other thinks you are when you laugh at their corny joke.

Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

Baby, astrology has nothing to do with it. It doesn’t have to be in the stars for you to be a match made in heaven.

Was your dad a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

How do you let someone know you care? You spend time with them. Remember how as a kid you wanted to spend time with your heroes (mom, dad, brother, sister, friend)? People don’t lose that want. So hang out with that special someone if you really like them. 

And make out....a lot. 

If I had a garden, I’d put my two lips and your two lips together.