Ke$ha gets guttercrunk without old men buying her drinks.

"Sleazy" by Ke$ha

Ke$ha wants to remind all the old rich men out there that while she may look and act like she’s easy, she’s still street trash with pride who believes in getting drunk like a gutter punk. $he doesn’t care how many dollars are in your bank account, as long as you don’t forget the dollar symbol in her name.

A $inger who looks a lot like...

...a $quatter. But $quatters probably don't believe in @utotune. 

Here's how it starts:

“I don't need you and your brand new Benz
Or your bourgie friends
And I don't need love lookin’ like diamonds
Lookin’ like diamonds”

To the sugar daddy’s: your Benz’s are overrated, your friends are snobs, and diamonds are not forever.

You know why? Because people in their 20s can get fucked up on their own; they’re adults afterall.

So what’s Ke$ha going to do instead of hop in your Benz?

“Get sleazy”

repeat 500x"

How does one get “$leazy?” Simply dress like a lost boy from Peter Pan and layer enough glitter on your skin so you feel like you really can fly. Baby Boomers are probably attracted to Ke$ha because all that glitter is something they can actually see without their bifocals on.

“You can't imagine the immensity of the fuck I'm not giving
About your money and man servant at the mansion you live in"

Obviously old men live in mansions and still have man servants. Just like Batman. Only not as young and hot, or else she’d hop in that Batmobile-disguised-as-a-Benz.

"And I don't wanna go places where all my ladies can't get in
Grab a bottle, some boys, and let's take it back to my 

basement”

Ke$ha seems to live in a basement, as she’s mentioned it before in “Your Love is My Drug:”

“Hey, so I got a question
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?”

Only her posse and cute guys with drug problems allowed though. So she’d rather be hanging out in her dungeon of a basement then with old men. Agreed.

“And get sleazy, sick of all your lines, so cheesy
Sorry daddy, but I'm not that easy
I'm not gonna sit here while you circle jerk it and work it
Imma take it back to where my man and my girls is”

Circle jerk it is probably not what this old man is doing in public. I really don’t know what Ke$ha is saying here. I think by this point she’s drank too much out of her bottle of Jack and is trying to decide whether this old guy is really as old as she thought…

“Rat-a-tat-tat on your dum-dum drum
The beat's so phat, gonna make me come…

Um, um, um, over to your place!”

The well-placed  “um”’s are a good indication that Ke$ha is DTF, as The Situation would say. Guess that old guy wasn’t as old she thought since she decided to go over to his place.

Just ignore this other song she wrote about old men: “Dinosaur.”

The guy in this parody is pretty close to the  male version of Ke$ha. It also shows the consequences of listening to Ke$ha.

Enrique Iglesias evolved into a cheating sluthunter.

“Hero” by Enrique Iglesias, 2001 and “I Like It” by Enrique Iglesias, 2010

Enrique back in 2001.  When he still had his mole.

2011: no more mole, no more morals.

Let’s pretend you’re Enrique Iglesias’ girlfriend.  Guys, pretend you’re his boyfriend.

Your relationship began in 2001, and the song “Hero” totally shows off how prefect a boyfriend he is.

“Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?
Would you run, and never look back?

Would you cry, if you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?”

He’s asking you questions, he’s showing an intense interest in you, and what your opinion of him would be if he actually showed his sensitive side.  He’s looking for reassurance in your relationship.  That’s just precious.

“Would you tremble, if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this
Now would you die, for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight”

“OMG HE SAID THE L WORD ITS SRS U GUYZ.” – you, to your friends.

“I can be your hero, baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away”

So at this point, you’re probably picking out your guest list for the wedding, deciding if you should have a chocolate wedding cake just to be different, etc.  He did just say he’d stand by you forever. 

“Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care you're here, tonight”

Wait, what?  Enrique is having second thoughts?  If he’s questioning himself, that means he’s questioning you.  But he just asked if he could be your prince charming, your knight in shining armor, your hero.

Fast forward your relationship a couple years.  His song “I Like It” shows a different side…

“Girl please excuse me
If I'm coming on too strong
But tonight is the night
We can really let go”

He’s hitting on some drunk beezy in the club!  That’s just skeezy.  Maybe you misunderstood though.

“My girlfriend is out of town
And I'm all alone
Your boyfriend is on vacation
And he doesn't have to know”

It’s pretty clear he wants to be a cheating whore.  While also trying to persuade this other chick to engage in infidelity with him. 

“Girl please excuse me
If I'm misbehaving, oh
I'm trying keep my hands off
But you're begging me for more”

Wow, now he’s even trying to put the blame on the girl, like it’s her fault she’s so sluttilicious, he can’t stay away.  I’m sure that’s along the lines of what he’s going to tell you so he doesn’t have to feel guilty.

Oh, look who else is in this song: Pitbull.  

You know what they say about the company you keep…

Enrique continues with:

“Don't stop baby, don't stop baby
Just keep on shaking along
I won't stop baby, won't stop baby
Until you get enough”

And there you have it.  He’s not going to stop.  He will continue to be a cheating sluthunter until you dump him.  Sorry it didn’t work out.

Here’s the song he wrote for the skank he hooked up with that night:

Yes, that’s the real title, as opposed to the U.S. radio version “Tonight I’m Lovin’ You.”  Love is for monogamous people. 

Your knight in shining armor can’t be your hero, baby.  Perhaps Dave Chappelle was
right in saying chivalry is dead.

Little side note: “Hero” was written for his good friend Simon Baxendale.  Guys, you might still have a chance!

Rebecca Black gets baked on Friday.

“Friday” by Rebecca Black

This song is self-explanatory: get happy because TGIF.  But if put into a different context, this song may just be about performing illegal activities with friends in the back and/or front seat of a car…

Rebecca Black: wholesome teenager....


...or heading in the same direction as this?

Rebecca Black is 13.  She’s in the eighth grade.  I don’t remember eighth grade.  Can you remember when you were 13? 

“7am, waking up in the morning

Gotta be fresh, gotta go down stairs”

When you’re 13, you’re required by law to go to school.  Hence waking up at 7 a.m.  Aren’t you glad you’re not 13 anymore?  

Let’s talk about sex, baby.  Thirteen years old is about the time them hormones kick in and young ladies, like Rebecca Black, begin to care about their appearance.  So they need to look “fresh;” there might be adolescent boys who see them.  We said “tight” back in my day.  Word.

So she’s a Generation Z kid with a lot of pressure to get up, look good, and go down stairs, every day.  The next lyrics make sense:

“Gotta have my bowl”

When listening, there’s a slight pause in the lyrics here, just long enough to let this image pop into your head:

Exhibit A: a bowl.

.

Followed by the line:

“Gotta have cereal”

Exhibit B: a bowl of cereal.

Is the pause coincidental?  Is she really that naïve?  I remembering being innocent once.  Probably when I was 13.  But that pause in the song lyrics…and she does live in California…

“Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?”

                                    

Ah, adolescence.  “For girls, early maturation can sometimes lead to increased self-consciousness…”   This is why Rebecca has such a hard time deciding what seat to take.  It’s like, sitting next to Ashton would be super cool, but then Demi might get totally jelly because she’s had dibs on him since last month.  The social politics are pretty intense at 13.  And if you’re baked, making an important decision like that is really hard.

From hear on out, let’s assume Rebecca Black is high because she had her bowl in the morning before heading out and seeing her friends.

“It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday

Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend”

Repetition was how our teachers and parents got us newly blossoming teenagers to remember anything.  That’s how we learned pre-Algebra.  And being excited for the weekend was still exciting because it meant no school and we could act.  But she’s repeating herself way more than what’s normal for a chorus.   

“7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly”

If she’s 13, who’s driving her around?  Bad life choices, Rebecca Black.

“Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it”

She has to remind herself she’s having fun because she’s about to trip balls.  She must reassure herself that her friend is by her side.  It’s all about your ‘tude, which teens do best.

“Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?”

Deciding where to kick it in the car is, like I said, a tricky situation in navigating the social hierarchy of friends.  Especially when kick it means this. 

Which might explain the urban grammar….

“We-we-we so excited
We so excited”

And the hesitation when trying to remember if Sunday really does come after Saturday…

“Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards”

So it’s the only logical explanation for the lyrics.  This song is really about getting high in the backseat because it’s the weekend and what else do thirteen year olds do on the weekend?

I don’t know.  I can’t remember.

Ms. Minaj is just a misunderstood mom.

“Did It On ‘Em” by Nicki Minaj and “Bedrock” by Young Money Feat. Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj raps about defecation and sideburns, but there’s really a deeper meaning behind the rapper’s words…

Nicki Minaj: don’t push her or she’ll take a dump on you forealz.

From her album Pink Friday, “Did It On ‘Em” has become a sort of tough girl’s anthem. 

“Shitted on 'em, man I just shitted on 'em
Shitted on 'em, put yo' number two's in the air if you did it on 'em”

These lyrics say: I am a powerful female who does not have any Freudian qualms about defecating on a person and representing it with two fingers held up high. 

You go girl. But could Minaj really just be venting some frustration that she’s kept locked down deep inside?

“All these bitches is my sons
and I'ma go and get some bibs for 'em
a couple formulas, little pretty lids on 'em
If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em”

Sounds like someone needs to go lay down on Freud’s couch and re-evaluate their childhood.  But then again, Minaj is working with the big dogs.  She’s expected to be just as nasty as the rest of them.

Her bit in “Bedrock” confused people though…

“Ok, I get it,
Let me think, I guess it's my turn,
Maybe it's Time To Put This Pussy On Ya Sideburns,
He Say I’m Bad, He Prob’lly Right,
He Pressing Me Like Button Downs On A Friday Night”

Maybe comedian Natasha Leggero is right.  Perhaps Minaj is just a confused little girl, trapped inside a grown-ups body.  She’s just an underdog, underpuppy if you will, who shows aggressive behavior in her lyrics because she’s in the same pen as the big dogs. 

That’s the best analogy I got.  Here’s something fun to do if you’ve got your own favorite Nicki Minaj lyrics to twist.

Prof. Pitbull teaches Pimping 101 in song.

"Go Girl" by Pitbull Feat. Trina and Young Boss.

Pitbull's lyrics in this song tell us who he is as a person, what dance move he likes the ladies to bust on the dance floor, and how to pimp. . .virtually.

Not this pit bull.

 

This one.  But both are dogs.

Here's part of the intro:

"I party like a rock star,
Look like a movie star,
Play like an all star,
Fuck like a porn star,
Baby I'm a superstar"

 All of that is fine and dandy.  Except for the part about fucking like a porn star.  Porn stars aren't fucking; they're acting.  Granted they're not the best actors when it comes to character or dialogue, but fucking is the one bit of acting they do pretty convincingly. Ladies everywhere now know what to expect from Pitbull in bed, but who cares, he's a superstar. 

The ladies totally want him for his good looks...and by good looks, I mean money.

"Go girl, work it out

'Til you tire

Just tryin' to pay your tuition

Liar"

 Oh shnap.  Some girl just got called out on her b.s.!  Pitbull can tell which girls are tryin' to gold dig.  You need money for textbooks?  Too bad, you ain't gettin' it from Pitbull.  

But he does still want you to do something for him...

"Shake them dice and roll them

When they ask you what's that dance
You say that's the hustle, man"

You heard him.  Like Seth Rogan does in Knocked Up, get your hand up and do the Dice Shaker.  A.k.a. Hand Jobbin'.  As for the hustle, he's not talking about the 1970s dance move that John Travolta grooved.  Remember, if you're a lady who needs money for textbooks, the kind of hustlin' you're doing involves earning some green through illegal activities. 

Not sure how you go about getting customers?  Pitbull tells you how he got his merchandise.

"She's on my top 8
I bagged her off of MySpace"

Gentlemen, MySpace is how you get some.  And that concludes Pitbull's song-disguised-as-a-how-to-pimp-guide. 

At least it has a catchy whistled tune.