Space Ambassador Will.i.am. reports on hard things

“T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)” by Will.i.am feat. Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez

Here’s a fun one! As long as you don’t think too hard about the lyrics...

"Its hard, but if I wear all white, I can see into the future."

Sir William starts off with his usual boasting. Let the jargon jousting begin!

Oh my goodness, this beat is so hard...
Oh my goodness, this beat is so hard...

I'mma go hard, hard to the core
Hard like motha fuckin’ liquid swords
Harder than worldwide stadium tours
I am the future, DeLorean doors

What’s the point of a liquid sword? I wondered the same thing. Then I realized he was bragging about being as good a rapper as GZA, Wu-Tang Clan founder and “genius.” 

As for DeLorean doors, everyone knows Will.i.am. is obsessed with the future and looking like an astronaut. Unless he meant the car company. Double points for double entendre! 

“Flux capacitor; space ambassador.” 

Will he survive? Never deceased
I don't think I'mma ever gonna rest in peace
I'mma kill the game, leave the rest in pieces

 Its safe to assume that if a person is talking about himself in the third person, he has not died nor has he ever died. 

Now everybody want my recipe
Tell a jealous chicken I don't know what the beef is
I'm just making money for my grankids' nieces

Didn’t know Will.i.am could cook though! I bet his dishes are out of this world. And he has a nice work ethic too; planning for the future (his favorite thing) of his grandkids’ nieces. That’s a family man right there.

I'mma work hard, that's my thesis
This beat is the shit, feces

Feces is a funny word. I have no complaints about the use of this word in this song. Especially when it rhymes with thesis.

Gross....or better?

Pardon me ma'am, I'mma go dumb
Smart.i.am, I'm complicated, hard.I.am
I end the beginning, then start it again

Apparently, you can be an idiot while simultaneously being intelligent. He must get away with it on account of how complicated an individual he is. I used to say I was complicated too. Then I became a better person. 

OMG J.LO! Oh, wait, she just repeats the chorus. Kinda like in those 5 other songs she was featured in last year.

“I just had twins and we’re trying to start their modeling career. I can’t exert myself. But I can totally roll around in lace and sing the hook.”

You can go hard or you can go home
You can go hard or you can go home

Yadda yadda, etc.

Oh my goodness, this beat is so hard...
Oh my goodness, this beat is so hard...

You know who else says “oh my goodness?” My grandma. I guess Jennifer Lopez can’t blaspheme, she’s got babies now. 

“Kids, look at the camera like mommy is doing. Also, don’t listen to any of my music until your old enough.”

Back to Space Cadet William.

You can get that, or you can get this
You can call a demon, I'mma call Jesus
You can get a curse, you can get a cross
You can go to work, or you can be the boss

Hmm. 

I bet he has this shirt.

I'mma be the owner, be a thought donor
I'mma go hard, like a muthafuckin’ boner
I'mma make the beat put the people in a coma
You can be a geek or be a rolling stoner

Someone should take his “thought donor” idea and make a screenplay out of it. GOLD. Only then he ruins it by making an obvious pun. “Make sure to reference your penis every other stanza, otherwise your audience will think you actually care about your message.” - Label Execs

I woke up in the morning,Hard like morning wood in the morning
Woke up thinking about microphonin'
E.T. own the mic, phone the homeland

I’m doubting that he was thinking about his performance on the mic.


I'm way out like NASA
I'm way over here, I done past ya
I get stacks of cash, you get cashews

I go hard, statues

Yes, statues are generally hard. And the only word that rhymes with cashews. He really is obsessed with space and the future though. He should get this shirt instead:

Now let me take this time to say I don't wanna lead you on
You can go hard or you can go home

Well I, I know it is a lot to take but I don't wanna lead you on
You can go hard or you can go home
You can go hard...

More showing off about manhood.

Wait a minute, I'mma make it a little harder
I'mma make it a little harder
Give it to you a little harder
THIS IS HARD....

Oh, what’s this? He’s upping the ante?

“Mick Jagger, I choose you!”

Hard like a rock n roll
The time bomb's tickin', explode
Baby this is dynamo
Better move back now
It's bout to blow

Do we really care what Jagger is saying? Can we even understand what Jagger is saying?

Hard like Geometry, and Trigonometry
This is crazy
Psychology
Get it baby

I can think of about three things off the top of my head that are harder than geometry and trigonometry: surviving the Holocaust, escaping Alcatraz, and running a country. I think most of us have figured out that there are harder things in life than high school math.

I'm ‘bout to win
Watch out now
I'm going in

Going where? Into retirement? 

I don’t read Entertainment Weekly and I bet you don’t either, but I found out this for you: this song made the Top Five Worst Songs of 2011. Now you know part of the reason. Be glad I don’t critique music videos on this site too, or this blog post would be a hell of a lot longer.